Staying with my Sister, Esther
I’m staying with my sister Esther in Suffolk. She has a photo of our mum sellotaped to a cupboard door and I was struck by how alike we look. My mum was hard to get close to and I see her invisible barrier in the picture – I recognize that stance, I see mine in hers. I rarely go to the country. It reminds me of being desperately restless and isolated in my early teens when we lived on the edge of the Ashdown forest. I loved the nature but I couldn’t bear this emptiness which was all inside me. When people muse about the country being so relaxing, I mostly feel a dread, like I will be returned to the purgatory of waiting for something to happen. Esther remembers us going to stay at a wonderful country house when we were in our 20’s. It was a rare visit to a friend of our dad’s. I was not in the best shape and she said I kept falling asleep everywhere. At pre dinner drinks in the magnificent drawing room, I passed out in an armchair while she became increasingly chatty and polite. Another of my tactics was to stuff myself nonstop with food and then feel awful and out of control. I have gradually been changing, and this trip feels different. Esther teaches a creative writing course and she is giving me a little one on one session. I have eaten some huge meals instead of nonstop snacking – much more enjoyable. Last night we went for dinner at a London acquaintance who has a beautiful wooden house on the beach. As the full moon came up, he cooked an amazingly delicious meal with zero flourish and we found ourselves talking about breakthroughs in behaviour patterns. Anxiety reaches a fever pitch and if you’re lucky someone notices you drowning. We all agreed that everything stems from abandonment. In that moment we were in perfect harmony. I could never get this with my mother, we could never talk with that freedom. I have it now with Esther, we talk with real openness and care. I feel the barrier of brittle despair that kept my mother and I so separated from each other is nearly gone. I proposed this trip to the country. I was expecting some kind of minor internal pushback but it didn’t happen and we are having a really nice time.
